<![CDATA[ManBracket.com all News Posts]]> http://www.manbracket.com en Sat, 4 Sep 2010 09:13:06 GMTManBracket.com all News Postshttp://www.manbracket.com<![CDATA[Fuck the Platt Brothers]]>Ok so thank god that I don't want this piece of shit TV show, America's Got Talent. But last week I was watching The Soup and they had a clip of this group of 3 brothers who aptly call themselves "The Platt Brothers"  These dudes are seriously fucked in the head.

So ok here it is.  Watch the first minute and a half.

I am one of three brothers so I can tell you there are so many things wrong with these fuckers, for instance

1) Jump suits, seriously?  You dumb shits look like you are in your thirties.  Jump suits are for 10 and under and 80 and over.  No middle ground here guys.

2) Your talent, as brothers, is dancing?  So let me get this straight when you guys get together you practice dancing? I cant even imagine wanting to or even considering asking my brothers to dance with me.  When brothers get together they should be either A) Getting completely shithoused or B) eating too much on Thanksgiving or Christmas.

3) Your fake enthusiasm.  Brothers are supposed to keep it real with each other.  The one brother should tell the other two they are being fake as shit. Then one of those brothers should tell the other one that he is being a fake ass pussy. Then they should all punch each other in the face.

4) Your actual dance routine.  So ok, lets say you are slightly mentally retarded, as these three are, and you decide you and your other brothers combined talent is dancing and you come up with a routine.  What is up with your gay ass Nsync fist pumps? Nsync could get away with it to get tail, a decade ago. Those bastards wouldn't even try it now.  But you idiots think it looks good?

5) That stupid cooking dinner or whatever the fuck part of your routine. Which one of you geniuses came up with the idea that for literally half of your routine 2 of the 3 wouldn't be doing shit and just standing there.  What the fuck was that whole thing?

6) And this one should really be 6-100.  When I first saw that 69 spider circle buttfuck spinning shit I was severely disturbed.  But then I thought about it more and now I am even more disturbed. First of all which one of you fuckers came up with the idea for a dance move that would have your brothers balls in your face?  and then second I was thinking to myself, my god, these fuckers have practiced this over and over and over.  So for many hours of these idiots days and a percentage of their life they had their brothers balls in their face. 

Here is a lesson to you Platt Brothers.  This is not how normal brothers behave.  It is not even fine to do this shit in your weird little incest perverted world but at what point did you decided you would do this shit on national TV?  ManBracket way way way down dudes. 

 

 

]]>Fri, 14 Aug 2009 16:47:51 GMT<![CDATA[The Feldco Fuckface]]>Hi I am this fucking guy.  I am an asshole.  I am going to come up with a stupid preface for a commercial and then I am going to win everyone over.

You are wondering how huh? Well I am goiing to smile and talk at the same time (at the end).  That will get them to trust me.  It looks completely normal and is totally natural to speak like this.

Fuck this guy, I am not buying from him on principle.

]]>Wed, 22 Jul 2009 03:37:06 GMT<![CDATA[The Flamingo]]>I can not stand every single girl on the planet who sticks their arm out on their hip everytime they take a picture.  What are you a fucking model?

You dont look hot striking that pose.  You just look dumb and you look like you are trying to hard. Just go back to the old standards: Clevage, nudity, etc.  That is what we want.

Who fucking told you that this was a good look.  You look like a fucking Flamingo. 

 

What are you tyring to do?  Air the pits out?  Pretend your a model?  Stick out your titties (admorable at least)? I just dont get it and more importantly I dont like it.

 

Just go back to showing your tits on camera, would you?

]]>Thu, 16 Jul 2009 19:56:16 GMT<![CDATA[Noah Wyle and his Polar Bears]]>


Let me count the ways I dont give a shit about you and the Polar Bears:

1) Who are you to think I give a shit what you have to say Mr Wyle?  What, you were in something like 30 seconds of an ER episode or something?  As far as I can recall you left to become a big time movie star?  That seemed to be as good of an idea as this sorry excuse of a Commercial

B) Cmon dude, Polar Bears?  In the beginning of the commercial with the depressing music I thought you were going to get into something all real like starving kids or something but then you bust out Polar Bears?  What was the last thing a Polar Bear did for anyone?

3) And your organization really had to name itself the "WWF"?  If Jimmy the Super Fly Snuka and Hulkamania are not on your board of directors I am going to DDT you into a glacier.

3a) $16 a month for Polar Bears?  Seriously?  The Red Cross only asks for a few dollars a month.  Like I am going to give up my porn subscription for a Polar Bear.

6) If Polar Bears are so damn important how come the WWF's logo is of a Koala Be]]>Wed, 31 Dec 2008 00:51:50 GMT<![CDATA[The Blinged Out Grocery Bagger Dude]]>Wud I be up to?
Ya know bagging some groceries and shit
Just biding my time until I make it big in the "Industry"


I am looking so fly in my 10 Carat looking fake ass diamond studs in each of my earz
All the bitches be looking
All these housemoms and shit be mesmorized by my bling
They be thinking 'Damn he must be a baller'



Look at this fool
Buying some Generic Mac and Cheese and shit
I only buy the finest Kraft Cheese and Shells
Dont be hatin

Yeah that is right ladies
I dont want to be bragging
But I can substitute this cucumber for the real thing
If ya know what I am saying
Shit, Darnell, you be so sly!

And that Milk you be buying
I am down with Chocolate and White Milk if you know what I means
Sheeeeat, I see you looking at my fly ass Louis Vulton pants
If you was only so lucky

I see you be buying some feminine hygiene products
Not only will I make sure to bag in a separate bag from your deli meats
But I will also not tell
Yo secret is safe with Darnell

I also see you be buying some Mr Clean Lime Scent
Yeahz I likes that
A woman who keeps the house clean
While Darnell is out making records
You might be aight fo Darnell

Oh and what is this?
You got some Cheetos up in this shit!
Damn girl
That's tight
And alright

And I always double bag that shit
So dont even ask
My sperm is so powerful
Its stronger than the Super Glue we sell in aisle 4 next to notepads
Sheaat

Till next time little lady
Unless my demo got cut this time
Then it is big time for Darnell
Wait till they check out my bling
They be like "Welcome Home Darnell"
Welcome home

]]>Wed, 17 Dec 2008 22:33:36 GMT<![CDATA[Soccer Mom gets busted having sex with Random at Iowa–Minnesota game]]>
1) You are 38, married, and have 3 children, correct?  Ok, correct.


2) From the picture above you are basically the epitomy of a soccer mom, right?  Right. 
3) You decided to go to the Iowa-Minnesota football game at the Metrodome with your husband, right?  Right.
4) You got drunk on wine (seriously wine at a tailgate) before the game, right?  Right.
5) At some point you decide to go to the bathroom, right?  Right.
6) Then you meet this dude (seriously, this dude?) right?  Right


7) And a quick question for you, aforementioned dude Ross Walsh.  Ross, you claim to be 26 right?  You look more like 46 but still kudos to you.
8) Back to you Lois, dont think you are getting off that easy.

So you after meeting this dude above you decide quote un quote Fuck it, I would like that man inside of me now?  Right
9) And then you decide, fuck it, the bathroom stall will work, right?  Right
10) And then you proceed to get nailed by Ross while 30 people cheer you on, right?  Right
11) Then the cops bust in and arrest you, right?  Right
12) And then who do the cops call to notify?  My husband
13) Ewwww.  I bet that was awkward.  So how do you feel now?  "It's ruined my life"
14) So you are saying you regret it?  Wasn't it super hot getting nailed to the smell of piss and bratwurst shits?  "I don't know what happened," "But I don't deny that it did happen because obviously there are police reports."
15) Yikes.  And what about that handsome stallion who mounted you? Is there a future? "I don't know who this man is,"  "I just found out his name in the paper last night."
16) I have tickets to the Bears game against the Saints.

Editor's note" Lois accepted the offer to attend the game

Read all about her or just google Sex at Iowa Football game.  Thanks for the member submission on the story.

http://www.twincities.com/ci_11081756?source=most_emailed

http://www.desmoinesregister.com/article/20081126/NEWS/81126006

                 ]]>Wed, 10 Dec 2008 01:33:41 GMT<![CDATA[Ode to you Mr or Mrs Traffic Cop]]>

Ode to you Mr or Mrs Traffic Cop:
You love to exert your power
Although you have none.

If it weren't for you I would have no idea that I am supposed to go when the light is green
Your arm signals to go forward are enlightening
Thank you for your wisdom

Thank you especially for whistling at me and giving me a nasty stare to stop my car
Even though the light is red and I am already stopped
I understand that you just want to make extra sure and that is has nothing to do with being a bitch/asshole
After all, you care

Your neon yellow jacket really brings out the flesh tones of your skin
You are simply radiant

And that silly hat you wear with what looks to be a badge melted onto the front?
Versace only beats your style

And wow what lung capacity you have
You blow that whistle oh so sweetly
I really appreciate it when you blow it in my ear when I walk past you sometimes
You really do care about my safety don't you?!

No other person so gladly will stand out in a dangerous intersection for hours in the cold
You must really love your job
And who wouldn't?!
You get to take out all your anger of the world out on the world!
Brilliant.
Your power over nothing truly is attractive.

And those real cops
You know... the ones who actually contribute something
Well who needs them anyway, right?
You failed down that path but screw it right?
You are serving such a valuable purpose
Right?
Can you remind me what your purpose is again?
I forgot, silly me.

To then and to now
I am bewildered by your strength, your power, your self control

I bid you adieu dear Traffic Cop
Your memory lasts forever with me




]]>Fri, 5 Dec 2008 18:26:14 GMT<![CDATA[Rough]]>I just sent this to a friend about the sex I had last night. Figured I would share with the M.B. community... ENJOY!

 
We got to his place and he moved everything out of his second bedroom and we moved his mattress in there. We can't just do it where we usually do it because his neighbors are pussies. Lol. And they can't handle watching our sex. (last week we had anal in his living room and his neighbors accross the way witnessed the whole thing and they complained to the managment company) Haha... So we moved his mattress into the weird pitch black tiny 2nd bedroom. I was standing in front of the door and I kicked off my shoes and he pushed me into the room, REALLY hard. Lol.
 
It was great. I slammed down on the mattress and he ripped off my clothes and I started to struggle and hit him in the face so he held me down and penetrated me. When I started to moan he covered my mouth and fucked my harder. 
 
He then grabbed my ass really hard and left my body only to use his mouth to make me SCREAM with pleasure. After I came and could no longer handle his tongue massaging my clit, he flipped me over and started violently fucking me from behind.
 
When I was screaming too loud, he grabbed me by the hair and pulled me up so that he could put his hand over my mouth to shut me up. Then I hit him hard on his side and he flipped me over again and held me down.
 
He then moved his body up and forced his cock into my mouth and I took it as deep as I could. He was kneeling on my arms so I couldn't pleasure him like he wanted me too because I didn't have my hands so he started fucking me again. This time harder and faster then before.
 
When he was finally done with me, he shot his load all over me. My face, my breasts, everywhere. He was screaming as he came and I slowly dragged my nails down the legnth of his back.
 
It was great sex...
]]>Tue, 25 Nov 2008 14:07:18 GMT<![CDATA[Die, Winter, Die]]>Dear Winter,
What the fuck is your deal?  Why the fuck do you ruin 4 months out of my life every year?  Are you shitting me that you get dark at 3pm every day?  I am not even home from work yet and it is pitch black outside?  Seriously dude, you are a major buzz kill. You were that kid that got picked on at school and now want to ruin it for every one, right?  So instead of becoming a cop you decided to become Winter?  Not cool bro, not cool. 

And if your cold ass buzz kill temperatures weren't enough, you have to really up the ante with Wind Chill?  Seriously, wind chill?  More like wind tear my balls apart.  Sometimes I will wind around a corner and your Wind Tear My Balls Apart will immediately make it hard for me to breathe as well as cause bullshit pussy wind tears. So if it wasnt enough that I look like a bitch shivering in your horribleness, now I cant breathe and am tearing like that bitch I broke up with last night?  ManBracket down to you fucker. 



Instead of making dudes look like bitches you could make us look like heroes, like Summer.  Now Summer, that mother fucker is way cooler than your ass.  Summer gets the girls to take their clothes off and parade around basically naked.  You on the other hand are the reason for Winter Bush as well as make girls fucking wear layers of clothing and keep them indoors away from my eye raping.  You need to suck it up. Even Fall has its moments of warm girl nakedness.  And Spring, well that mother fucker is the coolest of all.  If you cant get laid in the spring, well than I just dont know what to tell you.

But no, Winter, you really serve no purpose.  So this letter is to inform you that I revolt against you.  I will continue to wear shorts and sandals even if it is fucking snowing.  I will continue to ask people to play basketball outside.  I will even go as far as to invent X-ray glasses so I can continue to eye rape girl passerbys.  Just watch, eventually you will submit.  You sill see that I have won, and you Winter have lost.  Until then watch your back, Global Warming is coming for you.

]]>Wed, 19 Nov 2008 00:04:38 GMT<![CDATA[Crazy Whore]]>So the same girl from a previous story... The one who had anal in a corn field and then had her boyfriend cum on her face... That one... She broke up with her boyfriend on Sunday. So we've been hanging out, planning out some threesomes we want to have... Haha... Now, this girl has slept with over 20 men and she's only 19. That's ridiculous... I thought my number was bad.... But it's not. Aparently... Anyways... She thought that she changed her ways... She was in a steady relationship... Then it got annoying like all relationships do when your still a child pretending to be old and boring and tolerant so they broke up. So I'm excited because now I have a partner in promiscuous crime!!!!
 
So anyways, a month or so ago we went to this porn shop somewhere up north by her place and she saw a sign or something about ordering stripper poles. She ordered one but hasn't had enough money to pay for it yet... She also hasn't really known how to install it. She said she felt ackward about asking the building maintenence guys to install that. What I think is funny about this situation, is that she has a studio apartment. The second she installs a stripper pole, the whole place is just going to be a different atmosphere... It's a fucking studio! Where else is she goin to put it besides right smack dab in the middle of the place. Haha.... It's going to be great... So ANYWAYS, she is from a small town in Ohio with not much diversity... If you know what I mean? So, shes never been keen on the idea of sleeping with a man of a different race... Not really racism or anything, just personal sexual preference. It's funny because she actually just brought this up the other day how she doesn't think she could actually do it...
 
I get this message from her today that is titled "Black Dick????!?!?"
 
"ok so you know how ive said i wouldnt have sex with a black guy well ..... i made a deal with my weed guy last night that if we had a crazy night of sex he would go pick up my stripper pole and buy it for me LOL OMG !!!! So i have to think about this one...free stripper pole and huge dick its like christmas ! he sent me a pic you have to meet me today for coffee to see."
 
Hmm... This got me really excited, but also really worried for her...  So I said:
 
"Isn't that like prostitution? Are you sure you want to whore yourself out for a free stripper pole? LOL. Is he going to install the pole too? Is he hot? I need more details. Are you smoking weed now too? What the hell?"
 
So she responds:
 
"I had sex with guys so they would take me shopping back home..lol this isnt any different. And um yeah ill take the title of hoe for a free stripper pole! Ha ha."
 
Like it was okay for her to have sex for shopping sprees in the first place...
My slut is back!
 
This means we'll probably be making some goood stories!
]]>Thu, 23 Oct 2008 18:12:51 GMT<![CDATA[These fucking Presidential Debates]]>
Enough with these fucking Presidential debates already.  I mean does anyone learn shit from any of these things?  Gee, lets see.  I am going to ask you a question.  But no I don't care if your name is Barack or John, neither of you mother fuckers are going to answer anything.  You will just go ahead and say whatever the fuck you feel like saying because you don't want to actually have to debate.  I ask you about the Economy, you talk about Education.  I ask about Education, you talk about energy sources.  Jesus, can't either of these fuckers actually increase their Man Bracket by just being straight with people.

And what is with all of these "He voted this way, he voted that way" bullshit lines.  There is so much other shit probably going on in those votes we have no idea who to believe or what actually is the truth.  It doesn't help either of you, it just wastes our time.

They need to change the format of these fucking things because the American public isnt as stupid as they think.  You really think we don't see what you are doing?  We realize Palin had no idea how to debate so she just kept re-iterating the same shit she was spoon fed for weeks prior.  I dont care who anyone is voting for both sides are guilty. 

Why don't they come up with a list of like 50 topics (Abortion, Economy correction, etc) and just write down in 2 sentences or less where they stand and let us read it.  This shit would be a lot easier to understand.  3 debates later and I feel dumber than when it started. 

And stop smirking/rolling your eyes, etc when the other person is talking.  It doesnt sway anyone, it just makes you look like a deusche.  ManBracket down.  Why the fuck do they point the camera on the person who isn't talking?  I could care less of the facial expressions they are making while the other person is talking.  We get it.  You dont agree on shit. 

And stop trying to keep it real.  We know what you are doing when you refer to the American Public as "friends".  Stop it with this "Aw shucks routine" and this Maverick bullshit. We also know what you are trying to do when referring to the little people.  Neither of these mother fuckers know what the middle class of this country is going through.  Please.  Just tell it like it is.  You are both rich protected assholes.  Just admit it.  You would get more respect.

And lastly, stop all this change rhetoric and all these empty promises.  We know you are lying.  You are going to get into that White House and do the same damn shit everyone else does, fuck the common folks by taking away half of our money to taxes.  Lets take 30% of everyone's money right off the get go. Then lets tax their after tax money with sales tax.  You know what, while we are at it, why don't we just tax the house they bought with after tax money.  Yeah give us 2% annually of your property that is depreciating at 5% annually. 

That's it. I am sick of this shit. ManBracket.com for President.

Bastards.

]]>Fri, 17 Oct 2008 21:07:30 GMT<![CDATA[Best. Story. Ever.]]>So I was friends with this girl that I worked with who was dating this guy I sort of wanted to fuck. When they finally broke up, I went for him. We start dating and he was cheating on me with her the whole time... blah blah... It was this dramatic debacle and whatnot but then I sort of wanted to get back at this bitch for pretending to be my friend while I was dating her ex and she was sleeping with him.... I'm an idiot. Ha ha. So I dumped him and he went and started dating her again.
 
A month or so later, after I had officially manipulated this guy into thinking that I wanted to be just friends with him, we hung out. I sucked up a whole night of listening to his stupid trendy music and watching him and his friends play Halo and drinking Old PILE until finally, everyone leaves but me and him. He was drunk enough to the point where he fell for my batting eyelashes and push-up bra so that when I got up to leave, he grabbed me by the belt loops and started to sex me up... I rolled around with him for a while until he was at his point of frustration and then I pretended like I gave a shit about his cunt girlfriend and told him I needed to leave because I couldn't do that to her.
 
Of course he got home too late so I got a phone call from his girlfriend the next day. Of course, I did the right thing and completely exaggerated the shit he was whispering in my ear and gave her some good details on where he touched me and what he said he wanted to do to me. She was bawling her eyes out and loving me for telling her the truth but still sickened by her boyfriend. After they decided to "work it out" I was pissed that she didn't dump his sorry ass, so I decided to work a little more on manipulating her...
 
{The next sequence of events played out nicely but were something I couldn't have caused or predicted.}
 
So we became "friends"... I figured that if I couldn't break them up, I could at least steal her I.D. so I could pretend like I was 21. (he's a sick fuck and picked two girls that looked exactly alike... it's creepy.. but I'm a lot hotter than her. She's got one C cup and one D cup.... as opposed to my perfect D rack.... he's an idiot) So I invite her over for some drinks and music at my boyfriend at the time's apartment. She used to be a bartender so she started "showing" me how to do shot after shot after shot... Then, she started hanging all over me... I went into my boyfriend's room to grab my camera (I wanted to document her sickliness as much as I could.... and I did.... Wonderfully.... and on her camera on her phone so her boyfriend would see it...) and as I was walking out she came up to me and started making out with me!!! I was TRASHED after all the Jameson the bitch fed me but she was making an ass out of herself whereas I just looked like a normal drunk girl... I mean come on, she was making out with her boyfriends ex who just almost fucked her boyfriend while they were dating... I was just making out with a drunk girl.... whatever....
 
So she makes up some bullshit about how she wants a pair of boxers...??.... The pants came off but the boxers did not go on. Of course she's a whore so she was not wearing any underwear... My boyfriend is having the best day of his life. He whispers in my ear "I've always wanted to fuck this girl" and I'm like "Okay I'll see what I can do".... We had an open relationship so this kind of talk was fairly common... So this girl wanted ME. She starts telling me how she is bisexual and loves to eat pussy... And I'm just like... LIGHT BULB. She can hook up with me and cheat on her boyfriend with his ex girlfriend that he cheated on his current girlfriend with!!! But I didn't know how fond I was about hooking up with a girl.... So I debated for a while but I'm sure]]>Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:28:44 GMT<![CDATA[About a friend of mine]]>So last weekend I go to this party. Me and my girlfriend shopped downtown all week trying to get something slutty enough to wear to the occasion. It was a party on a farm so we wanted to look ridiculously over dressed and skanky... but classy of course... So I just got a red bra and some lace tights and unbuttoned a tight black dress that I had in my closet. But she shows up wearing the shortest lowest hottest thing I've seen on anyone. She looked hot as fuck. Ass lookin plump. Legs lookin long. She was wearing the highest crome heels. She looked like a hooker and it was great.
 
We were having a blast. The party was a surprise party at our friend's house that she set up for her boyfriend's 21st birthday. She bought him the big bottle of Jager (yager? idk) and then a big bottle of Patrone... (patron?.. Idk) so we were all doin shots on top of slammin down a keg between about 40 people in like three hours... So we were all pretty wasted early in the night. Taking pictures every 30 seconds. Just being dumb...
 
My friend and I bond over talking about sex. We love talking about how much we love fucking. She's had a lot more experience than me so she's always got some good stories to tell me so we're always havin a blast. Not only do we love talking about fucking, but we love talking about anal. We both have this special bond over the fact that we both love anal and want to have anal all the fucking time. So we're drunk and just being idiots and every few minutes saying "I want to get fucked in the ass."
 
So next thing I know, my friend is gone. I'm wondering for like an hour where she's at cuz my buzz is getting more intense and I'm wearing heels and without her by my side, my outfit looks ridiculous... So I went and put on jeans and a t-shirt and finally she's back. She grabs my arm and says "Come with me to the bathroom" this was handy cuz I also needed to pee. (girls always pee together... Blahblah) She's sitting on the toilet and I'm like "where were you dude?!" and she informs me that she and her boyfriend had just got done having anal sex in the cornfield behind the house.
 
My initial reaction was concern. I have had anal sex and bathroom time is sort of scarey afterwards, you just don't know what's gonna happen when you sit on that toilet. I was scared of witnessing it also. I asked her if she wanted me to leave the bathroom but she said no.
 
My next reaction was jealousy. I had just had the best fuck of my life the night before and I wanted to do it again but he lives far away from where I was so I couldn't drunk dial him for some booty (Although later that night I did drunk dial him in that same bathroom and had fun phone sex with him for an hour... that was exciting...) So I was pissed cuz she got fucked in our favorite way and I did not.
 
I guess her body reacts to anal sex better than mine does because her seat on the toilet was short. I sat down to pee and she leans over and says "is there anything on my face? like right here?" pointing to her mouth/chin area. I look and there is white crusties everywhere on her chin. I immediately start to crack up. Had I not been sitting on the toilet, the piss would have run down my legs.
 
She then informed me that after getting fucked in the ass, her boyfriend had cum on her face. She washed up, and we proceeded to drink more beer. I love my friends!
]]>Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:21:11 GMT<![CDATA[One Sleazy Night]]>
I'm not even sure how to begin this story. I guess I'd start with informing you of my friendship with a girl that we will call ANNE. That will be her name for the story. We have been friends since we were sophomores in high school and pretty much inseparable since. She's just one of those girls that a girl will really click with... You can party with her, you can laugh with her, you can cry with her, you can have an intelligent analytical conversation with her. So we've always been really comfortable talking about personal, usually embarrassing, things. So I recently moved and she also recently moved around so we were out of touch for over a month. I randomly get this text message from her:
 
"OK. im a creep but ive been having this reoccuring dream where u and i r masturbating in a tub together and i say we actually do it. maybe im a lesbian?"
 
Yeah. Random. So I immediately called her and we laughed about it for a while. We made a date to get together to see what happens. Maybe have a threesome or make out or just have some fun and experiment a little bit or something. So we meet up and we are filling each other in on the happenings of our lives while we were apart. She tells me she's still with the same guy I fill her in on the 3 guys I've hooked up with that she knew nothing about and then I tell her about the guy that I want to hook up with next.
 
Met this guy at work. He owns his own company... I think it's like a recruiting company that places people in very high paying senior accountant sort of fortune 500 jobs around Chicago. So immediately I'm a little turned on because I'm assuming this guy is rich. We go out to lunch a few times and he's so sweet. Then I find out how old he is - he is 20 years older than me. That's just ridiculous. But he was sooo attractive. Not just physically attractive but he had this great personality that just really sticks in your mind. Talking to this guy was fantastic.
 
So I'm telling Anne how much fun and exciting it was sleeping with a guy that was 10 years older than me and how much I want to sleep with this guy who's 20 years older than me. So she's just laughing at me and we are drinking wine and swapping stories. We decide to go to her boyfriends apartment somewhere on the north side. And I'm thinking "good. 39-year-old lives up north too so if he wants to meet up later it'll be nice and convenient." At his apartment, we proceed to drink an obscene amount of beer for two skinny girls like ourselves due to this game with dice called "three man"? I don't know. It's pretty stupid. Usually I don't do the whole drinking game thing but this time, I was really wanting to get completely annihilated for some reason.
 
So me and Anne are hammered drunk. We were out on the deck making out and being typical drunken girls. This was a big deal though because at this point in our friendship, this type of exploration is brand new. So we go back into the party feeling all giddy and horny when 39 calls me. So, of course, I tell her I'm going to be back in about an hour or two and I go his place. We have sex... It was on the bum-fuck side... Standard. He didn't put much effort into going down on me but I made myself enjoy it. But all in all it was... Just sort of... Standard. I was all bummed out about it when I got back to the party...
 
So the party goes on. I'm just sitting there calming down from the sleazy move I just pulled when I notice something that gets me horny all over again... The thing about my body is that I taste like candy. Maybe not candy, but it's gooood. I have people that will vouch for me! It's very enjoyable. Not only do men love to taste me, but I love to taste myself... So I'm sitting there hanging out with Anne and a few guys and]]>Tue, 14 Oct 2008 20:47:40 GMT<![CDATA[Introduction]]>Everyone loves a slut - Some women hate them which means love in a fucked up way because women loooove talking shit, some girls envy their security, confidence, spontaneity, and adventurousness, men love sluts if they are looking for a good time, most men love to make fun of them and laugh at them and laughter means happiness which, ultimately means love for sluts..... Either way, most people are interested in promiscuity. Who doesn't love talking about sex? Everyone thinks about it and most people do it. I love talking about it. I find humor in ackward situations and that is the funny part about random sex, it's usually ackward. The wonderful men behind ManBracket have allowed me to share my whore stories in hopes of entertaining their readers. Enjoy!
]]>Mon, 13 Oct 2008 19:20:18 GMT<![CDATA[Hey Mosquito, Fuck You!]]>


Hey you,
Mosquito
Why don't you go fuck yourself
I mean who the fuck do you think you are
Fucking Dracula?

I am just minding my own god damn business
Just sipping some beers on the porch, ya know
Some PBR's and shit

And you have to come over and fucking bite me
Why the fuck are you biting me
How the fuck do you even know that I have blood inside me
And how do you that know you like it?

What if I was drinking gasoline last night?
How would my blood taste then, huh?
You dont know where my blood has been
Or what I have been up to

Here I am enjoying my night and all of a sudden I feel a prick
Its you, you little fucking prick
Watch this
I am going to flex my muscle
And watch you explode in a bloody minitaure A-bomb
All up in this shit

I just murdered a few of your cousins
Oh you want some now too huh
And what fucking purpose do you serve
I googled your shit and the answer is Nothing
So just go die would you

And what the fuck is up with the bump you leave
I fucking have to deal with you for days afterwards
You prick me
And then you make me itch
Which is it mother fucker?  Prick or Itch??
Make up your motha fucking mind

And why does me X'ing out the bite on my skin make it feel better
You hear me Mosquito
Here is your warning
You better not come up and try to suck up all up in my blood
Or I might have to go find your sister and fuck her

Like this one?

]]>Fri, 3 Oct 2008 18:25:44 GMT<![CDATA[Dear Deep Dish Pizza, you are a whore.]]>


Dear Deep Dish,
Let me count the ways that I love you
 
I can barely hide my anticipation as I sit in the restaurant,
Your smells encompass my brain.
 
Those fuckers who came in before me get served you first,
I want to punch them in their mug,
Their dumbass smiles on their face only make me want you more.
 
This whore ass waitress tells me it will only be a few more minutes,
But she lies, all lies!
Oh why wont you come sooner? 
I pine for your touch!
 
As I pretend to pay attention to the conversation at the table,
I become more anxious, less interested by the second.
 
Damnit, well I better go to the bathroom and re-group myself.
Why the fuck is there a bathroom attendant at a Deep Dish Pizza Place?

Fuck you, I am not giving you shit.
I can wash my own damn hands thank you very much
But I do enjoy the Miles Davis playing, so thank you for that
But I am still not giving you shit
 
As I walk back from the bathroom
I stare at the pictures of the celebrities on the wall who have also felt your touch

What are you a whore?
You are supposed to be loyal to me!
Your beauty is your curse.
 
I am back at the table and still no food.
Cockknockers.
At this point I am not even pretending to listen to the conversation
I am nervously awaiting in my chair for you
The only thing I can add to the conversation is
Where the fuck is the pizza?  Hay-zeus (Hay-zeus indeed)
 
The waitress rounds the corner
She holds you like a brand new baby in her arms
You are making your way to me!
Oh joy, you do love me after all!
Wait, what the fuck?
She served the people who came in after us
Ok, now I am going to murder somebody.
Most likely the fucker asking for money to wash my hands in the bathroom
 
I am weeping inside
I thought you loved me
 
2 more minutes goes by
I am empty inside
 
Then shortly thereafter you show up
With your Sunday's best on
I so want to greet you with all the love that I feel for you
But you hurt me
You have whored yourself out to others and you are late
I turn my head in shame
 
But your smile brings me back in
Your luscious firm tomatoes
Your creamy mozeralla surface
Your inner beauty, ie layer of patty sausage
You are indeed a beautiful bitch
 
But I cant!
You betrayed me!
 
Oh who the fuck am I kidding
Fuck it, wont be the first time I have had sloppy seconds.
 
 
 
Like this one?
<
]]>Fri, 26 Sep 2008 17:03:06 GMT<![CDATA[Ode to my poo]]>
Dear Poo,
Let me count the ways that I love you.

When I am feeling down,
There is always brown.

When my stomach hurts,
Not so much after the squirts.

When I have had too much beer,
I can always release through my rear.

Might have to throw up?
I can sit on the toilet and show it what's up.

Too much to eat at the game,
I can deposit later with no shame.

Oh Poo,
I love you.

You give me an excuse,
For some recluse.

Poo time can even educate,
Stall graffiti makes me contemplate.

Does Cindy 555-1212 really take it in the butt?
I am not sure but it is fun to think of that slut.

Oh poo you take me mind off the world,
Wiping away my stress and poo in your magical swirl.

To next time oh delightful shit,
To the next beautiful diarhea deposit.

Like this one?
]]>Tue, 23 Sep 2008 01:16:30 GMT