Ok so thank god that I don't want this piece of shit TV show, America's Got Talent. But last week I was watching The Soup and they had a clip of this group of 3 brothers who aptly call themselves "The Platt Brothers" These dudes are seriously fucked in the head.
So ok here it is. Watch the first minute and a half.
I am one of three brothers so I can tell you there are so many things wrong with these fuckers, for instance
1) Jump suits, seriously? You dumb shits look like you are in your thirties. Jump suits are for 10 and under and 80 and over. No middle ground here guys.
2) Your talent, as brothers, is dancing? So let me get this straight when you guys get together you practice dancing? I cant even imagine wanting to or even considering asking my brothers to dance with me. When brothers get together they should be either A) Getting completely shithoused or B) eating too much on Thanksgiving or Christmas.
3) Your fake enthusiasm. Brothers are supposed to keep it real with each other. The one brother should tell the other two they are being fake as shit. Then one of those brothers should tell the other one that he is being a fake ass pussy. Then they should all punch each other in the face.
4) Your actual dance routine. So ok, lets say you are slightly mentally retarded, as these three are, and you decide you and your other brothers combined talent is dancing and you come up with a routine. What is up with your gay ass Nsync fist pumps? Nsync could get away with it to get tail, a decade ago. Those bastards wouldn't even try it now. But you idiots think it looks good?
5) That stupid cooking dinner or whatever the fuck part of your routine. Which one of you geniuses came up with the idea that for literally half of your routine 2 of the 3 wouldn't be doing shit and just standing there. What the fuck was that whole thing?
6) And this one should really be 6-100. When I first saw that 69 spider circle buttfuck spinning shit I was severely disturbed. But then I thought about it more and now I am even more disturbed. First of all which one of you fuckers came up with the idea for a dance move that would have your brothers balls in your face? and then second I was thinking to myself, my god, these fuckers have practiced this over and over and over. So for many hours of these idiots days and a percentage of their life they had their brothers balls in their face.
Here is a lesson to you Platt Brothers. This is not how normal brothers behave. It is not even fine to do this shit in your weird little incest perverted world but at what point did you decided you would do this shit on national TV? ManBracket way way way down dudes.
Hi I am this fucking guy. I am an asshole. I am going to come up with a stupid preface for a commercial and then I am going to win everyone over.
You are wondering how huh? Well I am goiing to smile and talk at the same time (at the end). That will get them to trust me. It looks completely normal and is totally natural to speak like this.
Fuck this guy, I am not buying from him on principle.
I can not stand every single girl on the planet who sticks their arm out on their hip everytime they take a picture. What are you a fucking model?
You dont look hot striking that pose. You just look dumb and you look like you are trying to hard. Just go back to the old standards: Clevage, nudity, etc. That is what we want.
Who fucking told you that this was a good look. You look like a fucking Flamingo.
What are you tyring to do? Air the pits out? Pretend your a model? Stick out your titties (admorable at least)? I just dont get it and more importantly I dont like it.
Just go back to showing your tits on camera, would you?
So I am sitting at home minding my own damn business when Noah Wyle intrudes on my living room with this sack of shit commercial.
Let me count the ways I
dont give a shit about you and the Polar Bears:
1) Who are you to think I give a shit what you have to say Mr Wyle? What,
you were in something like 30 seconds of an ER episode or something? As
far as I can recall you left to become a big time movie star? That seemed
to be as good of an idea as this sorry excuse of a Commercial
B) Cmon dude, Polar Bears? In the beginning of the commercial with the
depressing music I thought you were going to get into something all real like
starving kids or something but then you bust out Polar Bears? What was
the last thing a Polar Bear did for anyone?
3) And your organization really had to name itself the "WWF"?
If Jimmy the Super Fly Snuka and Hulkamania are not on your board of directors
I am going to DDT you into a glacier.
3a) $16 a month for Polar Bears? Seriously? The Red Cross only asks
for a few dollars a month. Like I am going to give up my porn subscription for a Polar Bear.
6) If Polar Bears are so damn important how come the WWF's logo is of a Koala
Be
Yo, it's me Darnell Wud I be up to? Ya know bagging some groceries and shit Just biding my time until I make it big in the "Industry"
I am looking so fly in my 10 Carat looking fake ass diamond studs in each of my earz
All the bitches be looking
All these housemoms and shit be mesmorized by my bling
They be thinking 'Damn he must be a baller'
Look at this fool Buying some Generic Mac and Cheese and shit I only buy the finest Kraft Cheese and Shells Dont be hatin
Yeah that is right ladies I dont want to be bragging But I can substitute this cucumber for the real thing If ya know what I am saying Shit, Darnell, you be so sly!
And that Milk you be buying I am down with Chocolate and White Milk if you know what I means Sheeeeat, I see you looking at my fly ass Louis Vulton pants If you was only so lucky
I see you be buying some feminine hygiene products Not only will I make sure to bag in a separate bag from your deli meats But I will also not tell Yo secret is safe with Darnell
I also see you be buying some Mr Clean Lime Scent Yeahz I likes that A woman who keeps the house clean While Darnell is out making records You might be aight fo Darnell
Oh and what is this? You got some Cheetos up in this shit! Damn girl That's tight And alright
And I always double bag that shit So dont even ask My sperm is so powerful Its stronger than the Super Glue we sell in aisle 4 next to notepads Sheaat
Till next time little lady Unless my demo got cut this time Then it is big time for Darnell Wait till they check out my bling They be like "Welcome Home Darnell" Welcome home
Oh Lois K Feldman, you dirty dirty hew-er. Let me make sure I get the facts straight here.
1) You are 38, married, and have 3 children, correct? Ok, correct.
2) From the picture above you are basically the epitomy of a soccer mom, right? Right. 3) You decided to go to the Iowa-Minnesota football game at the Metrodome with your husband, right? Right. 4) You got drunk on wine (seriously wine at a tailgate) before the game, right? Right. 5) At some point you decide to go to the bathroom, right? Right. 6) Then you meet this dude (seriously, this dude?) right? Right
7) And a quick question for you, aforementioned dude Ross Walsh. Ross, you claim to be 26 right? You look more like 46 but still kudos to you. 8) Back to you Lois, dont think you are getting off that easy. So you after meeting this dude above you decide quote un quote Fuck it, I would like that man inside of me now? Right 9) And then you decide, fuck it, the bathroom stall will work, right? Right 10) And then you proceed to get nailed by Ross while 30 people cheer you on, right? Right 11) Then the cops bust in and arrest you, right? Right 12) And then who do the cops call to notify? My husband 13) Ewwww. I bet that was awkward. So how do you feel now? "It's ruined my life" 14) So you are saying you regret it? Wasn't it super hot getting nailed to the smell of piss and bratwurst shits? "I don't know what happened," "But I don't deny that it did happen because obviously there are police
reports." 15) Yikes. And what about that handsome stallion who mounted you? Is there a future? "I don't know who this man is," "I just found out his name in the paper last night." 16) I have tickets to the Bears game against the Saints.
Editor's note" Lois accepted the offer to attend the game
Read all about her or just google Sex at Iowa Football game. Thanks for the member submission on the story.
Ode to you Mr or Mrs Traffic Cop: You love to exert your power Although you have none.
If it weren't for you I would have no idea that I am supposed to go when the light is green Your arm signals to go forward are enlightening Thank you for your wisdom
Thank you especially for whistling at me and giving me a nasty stare to stop my car Even though the light is red and I am already stopped I understand that you just want to make extra sure and that is has nothing to do with being a bitch/asshole After all, you care
Your neon yellow jacket really brings out the flesh tones of your skin You are simply radiant
And that silly hat you wear with what looks to be a badge melted onto the front? Versace only beats your style
And wow what lung capacity you have You blow that whistle oh so sweetly I really appreciate it when you blow it in my ear when I walk past you sometimes You really do care about my safety don't you?!
No other person so gladly will stand out in a dangerous intersection for hours in the cold You must really love your job And who wouldn't?! You get to take out all your anger of the world out on the world! Brilliant. Your power over nothing truly is attractive.
And those real cops You know... the ones who actually contribute something Well who needs them anyway, right? You failed down that path but screw it right? You are serving such a valuable purpose Right? Can you remind me what your purpose is again? I forgot, silly me.
To then and to now I am bewildered by your strength, your power, your self control
I bid you adieu dear Traffic Cop Your memory lasts forever with me
I just sent this to a friend about the sex I had last night. Figured I would share with the M.B. community... ENJOY!
We got to his place and he moved everything out of his second bedroom and we moved his mattress in there. We can't just do it where we usually do it because his neighbors are pussies. Lol. And they can't handle watching our sex. (last week we had anal in his living room and his neighbors accross the way witnessed the whole thing and they complained to the managment company) Haha... So we moved his mattress into the weird pitch black tiny 2nd bedroom. I was standing in front of the door and I kicked off my shoes and he pushed me into the room, REALLY hard. Lol.
It was great. I slammed down on the mattress and he ripped off my clothes and I started to struggle and hit him in the face so he held me down and penetrated me. When I started to moan he covered my mouth and fucked my harder.
He then grabbed my ass really hard and left my body only to use his mouth to make me SCREAM with pleasure. After I came and could no longer handle his tongue massaging my clit, he flipped me over and started violently fucking me from behind.
When I was screaming too loud, he grabbed me by the hair and pulled me up so that he could put his hand over my mouth to shut me up. Then I hit him hard on his side and he flipped me over again and held me down.
He then moved his body up and forced his cock into my mouth and I took it as deep as I could. He was kneeling on my arms so I couldn't pleasure him like he wanted me too because I didn't have my hands so he started fucking me again. This time harder and faster then before.
When he was finally done with me, he shot his load all over me. My face, my breasts, everywhere. He was screaming as he came and I slowly dragged my nails down the legnth of his back.
Dear Winter, What the fuck is your deal? Why the fuck do you ruin 4 months out of my life every year? Are you shitting me that you get dark at 3pm every day? I am not even home from work yet and it is pitch black outside? Seriously dude, you are a major buzz kill. You were that kid that got picked on at school and now want to ruin it for every one, right? So instead of becoming a cop you decided to become Winter? Not cool bro, not cool.
And if your cold ass buzz kill temperatures weren't enough, you have to really up the ante with Wind Chill? Seriously, wind chill? More like wind tear my balls apart. Sometimes I will wind around a corner and your Wind Tear My Balls Apart will immediately make it hard for me to breathe as well as cause bullshit pussy wind tears. So if it wasnt enough that I look like a bitch shivering in your horribleness, now I cant breathe and am tearing like that bitch I broke up with last night? ManBracket down to you fucker.
Instead of making dudes look like bitches you could make us look like heroes, like Summer. Now Summer, that mother fucker is way cooler than your ass. Summer gets the girls to take their clothes off and parade around basically naked. You on the other hand are the reason for Winter Bush as well as make girls fucking wear layers of clothing and keep them indoors away from my eye raping. You need to suck it up. Even Fall has its moments of warm girl nakedness. And Spring, well that mother fucker is the coolest of all. If you cant get laid in the spring, well than I just dont know what to tell you.
But no, Winter, you really serve no purpose. So this letter is to inform you that I revolt against you. I will continue to wear shorts and sandals even if it is fucking snowing. I will continue to ask people to play basketball outside. I will even go as far as to invent X-ray glasses so I can continue to eye rape girl passerbys. Just watch, eventually you will submit. You sill see that I have won, and you Winter have lost. Until then watch your back, Global Warming is coming for you.
So the same girl from a previous story... The one who had anal in a corn field and then had her boyfriend cum on her face... That one... She broke up with her boyfriend on Sunday. So we've been hanging out, planning out some threesomes we want to have... Haha... Now, this girl has slept with over 20 men and she's only 19. That's ridiculous... I thought my number was bad.... But it's not. Aparently... Anyways... She thought that she changed her ways... She was in a steady relationship... Then it got annoying like all relationships do when your still a child pretending to be old and boring and tolerant so they broke up. So I'm excited because now I have a partner in promiscuous crime!!!!
So anyways, a month or so ago we went to this porn shop somewhere up north by her place and she saw a sign or something about ordering stripper poles. She ordered one but hasn't had enough money to pay for it yet... She also hasn't really known how to install it. She said she felt ackward about asking the building maintenence guys to install that. What I think is funny about this situation, is that she has a studio apartment. The second she installs a stripper pole, the whole place is just going to be a different atmosphere... It's a fucking studio! Where else is she goin to put it besides right smack dab in the middle of the place. Haha.... It's going to be great... So ANYWAYS, she is from a small town in Ohio with not much diversity... If you know what I mean? So, shes never been keen on the idea of sleeping with a man of a different race... Not really racism or anything, just personal sexual preference. It's funny because she actually just brought this up the other day how she doesn't think she could actually do it...
I get this message from her today that is titled "Black Dick????!?!?"
"ok so you know how ive said i wouldnt have sex with a black guy well ..... i made a deal with my weed guy last night that if we had a crazy night of sex he would go pick up my stripper pole and buy it for me LOL OMG !!!! So i have to think about this one...free stripper pole and huge dick its like christmas ! he sent me a pic you have to meet me today for coffee to see."
Hmm... This got me really excited, but also really worried for her... So I said:
"Isn't that like prostitution? Are you sure you want to whore yourself out for a free stripper pole? LOL. Is he going to install the pole too? Is he hot? I need more details. Are you smoking weed now too? What the hell?"
So she responds:
"I had sex with guys so they would take me shopping back home..lol this isnt any different. And um yeah ill take the title of hoe for a free stripper pole! Ha ha."
Like it was okay for her to have sex for shopping sprees in the first place...
My slut is back!
This means we'll probably be making some goood stories!
Enough with these fucking Presidential debates already. I mean does anyone learn shit from any of these things? Gee, lets see. I am going to ask you a question. But no I don't care if your name is Barack or John, neither of you mother fuckers are going to answer anything. You will just go ahead and say whatever the fuck you feel like saying because you don't want to actually have to debate. I ask you about the Economy, you talk about Education. I ask about Education, you talk about energy sources. Jesus, can't either of these fuckers actually increase their Man Bracket by just being straight with people.
And what is with all of these "He voted this way, he voted that way" bullshit lines. There is so much other shit probably going on in those votes we have no idea who to believe or what actually is the truth. It doesn't help either of you, it just wastes our time.
They need to change the format of these fucking things because the American public isnt as stupid as they think. You really think we don't see what you are doing? We realize Palin had no idea how to debate so she just kept re-iterating the same shit she was spoon fed for weeks prior. I dont care who anyone is voting for both sides are guilty.
Why don't they come up with a list of like 50 topics (Abortion, Economy correction, etc) and just write down in 2 sentences or less where they stand and let us read it. This shit would be a lot easier to understand. 3 debates later and I feel dumber than when it started.
And stop smirking/rolling your eyes, etc when the other person is talking. It doesnt sway anyone, it just makes you look like a deusche. ManBracket down. Why the fuck do they point the camera on the person who isn't talking? I could care less of the facial expressions they are making while the other person is talking. We get it. You dont agree on shit.
And stop trying to keep it real. We know what you are doing when you refer to the American Public as "friends". Stop it with this "Aw shucks routine" and this Maverick bullshit. We also know what you are trying to do when referring to the little people. Neither of these mother fuckers know what the middle class of this country is going through. Please. Just tell it like it is. You are both rich protected assholes. Just admit it. You would get more respect.
And lastly, stop all this change rhetoric and all these empty promises. We know you are lying. You are going to get into that White House and do the same damn shit everyone else does, fuck the common folks by taking away half of our money to taxes. Lets take 30% of everyone's money right off the get go. Then lets tax their after tax money with sales tax. You know what, while we are at it, why don't we just tax the house they bought with after tax money. Yeah give us 2% annually of your property that is depreciating at 5% annually.
That's it. I am sick of this shit. ManBracket.com for President.
So I was friends with this girl that I worked with who was dating this guy I sort of wanted to fuck. When they finally broke up, I went for him. We start dating and he was cheating on me with her the whole time... blah blah... It was this dramatic debacle and whatnot but then I sort of wanted to get back at this bitch for pretending to be my friend while I was dating her ex and she was sleeping with him.... I'm an idiot. Ha ha. So I dumped him and he went and started dating her again.
A month or so later, after I had officially manipulated this guy into thinking that I wanted to be just friends with him, we hung out. I sucked up a whole night of listening to his stupid trendy music and watching him and his friends play Halo and drinking Old PILE until finally, everyone leaves but me and him. He was drunk enough to the point where he fell for my batting eyelashes and push-up bra so that when I got up to leave, he grabbed me by the belt loops and started to sex me up... I rolled around with him for a while until he was at his point of frustration and then I pretended like I gave a shit about his cunt girlfriend and told him I needed to leave because I couldn't do that to her.
Of course he got home too late so I got a phone call from his girlfriend the next day. Of course, I did the right thing and completely exaggerated the shit he was whispering in my ear and gave her some good details on where he touched me and what he said he wanted to do to me. She was bawling her eyes out and loving me for telling her the truth but still sickened by her boyfriend. After they decided to "work it out" I was pissed that she didn't dump his sorry ass, so I decided to work a little more on manipulating her...
{The next sequence of events played out nicely but were something I couldn't have caused or predicted.}
So we became "friends"... I figured that if I couldn't break them up, I could at least steal her I.D. so I could pretend like I was 21. (he's a sick fuck and picked two girls that looked exactly alike... it's creepy.. but I'm a lot hotter than her. She's got one C cup and one D cup.... as opposed to my perfect D rack.... he's an idiot) So I invite her over for some drinks and music at my boyfriend at the time's apartment. She used to be a bartender so she started "showing" me how to do shot after shot after shot... Then, she started hanging all over me... I went into my boyfriend's room to grab my camera (I wanted to document her sickliness as much as I could.... and I did.... Wonderfully.... and on her camera on her phone so her boyfriend would see it...) and as I was walking out she came up to me and started making out with me!!! I was TRASHED after all the Jameson the bitch fed me but she was making an ass out of herself whereas I just looked like a normal drunk girl... I mean come on, she was making out with her boyfriends ex who just almost fucked her boyfriend while they were dating... I was just making out with a drunk girl.... whatever....
So she makes up some bullshit about how she wants a pair of boxers...??.... The pants came off but the boxers did not go on. Of course she's a whore so she was not wearing any underwear... My boyfriend is having the best day of his life. He whispers in my ear "I've always wanted to fuck this girl" and I'm like "Okay I'll see what I can do".... We had an open relationship so this kind of talk was fairly common... So this girl wanted ME. She starts telling me how she is bisexual and loves to eat pussy... And I'm just like... LIGHT BULB. She can hook up with me and cheat on her boyfriend with his ex girlfriend that he cheated on his current girlfriend with!!! But I didn't know how fond I was about hooking up with a girl.... So I debated for a while but I'm sure
